Minister Bruce

Awarded the "Order of Merit" for the following

Policy Statement

Those wanting the freedom of nudity (which is OK) must shape up or ship out, no frightening the horses or unicorns! Flowers and ribbons must be put in all your hair areas and if you don't look like Bo Derek or Arnold Swartzenegger you will be spoken to severely by the Aesthetics Police.

Actually, this is the She's Gotta Look Grouse policy.

Beyond male and female humans of every age, ethnicity and tendency being *persuaded* into looking good, the appearance of everything else is paramount.

* These things are declared:

No visible wires anywhere.

No pruning, pollarding or felling of any trees, anywhere.

No salinity.

No dying trees.

No new dams.

No more concreting of creeks.

No feral animals -- including those bloody toads.

No poor Australian design and architecture.

No uniforms -- deliberately assigned or commonly adopted.

Gaols should not have obvious walls.

All McDonald's and such should not be recognisable.

All public transport must be scrubbed clean daily and gleam.

Councils must mow any private lawn higher than the allowable height and charge heaps for doing it.

Vacant city, suburban and town blocks must look like parks and the councils must make sure this happens.

Bogans must cease looking like that.

Every sporting event must be packed out, it's offensive to have empty seats.

Old battered cars must be crushed on the spot.

Every road and street must be absolutely even and smooth, without a sign of any repairs.

Any man or woman not dressed as the Aesthetics Police think is to be stripped in the spot and their clothes burnt.

Any house which offends aesthetics must be renovated or demolished.

Obvious tourists are to be packed off back home, except the really good looking ones.

No surplus signs will be allowed.

Surplus signs are ones that are not absolutely necessary, like almost all of them.

The Aesthetics Police can demand immediate removal of boring or visually bad advertising.

US infomercials, holy roller and talk shows must never be seen on our television sets again, a blank screen is far more preferable.

Anything which becomes litter will be banned.

When people no longer have the stuff they litter with to drop or throw, the eyes will no longer be offended.

Big arses and fat guts are out!

Shopfronts must be approved by the Aesthetics Commissioner.

Parking meters will no longer be allowed.

Street poles for lighting must never be wooden and must be aesthetically pleasing.

Those living in the streets are to be cleaned up, given a whole new wardrobe and a home, and $100,000 -- they're offensive!

Teams of city bureaucrats are to clean up remote Aboriginal settlements, carting away any old car bodies and other junk.

Taxis must be painted in pretty colours.

Ties are banned forthwith.

No politician can wear a suit at any time.

TV presenters must look relaxed and human and not look straight at you, ideally they should know what they are talking about.

All Australian actors must be given $50,000 pa for life, guaranteed, and encouraged to be out and about.

Street theatre must occur in every town, suburb and city, every day.

Busking is similarly mandatory.

Anything in a cage is banned, cages are all to be crushed.

Banks must be open friendly places, full of smiles.

Smiling is mandatory everywhere, even when alone.

Children can play whatever they want to in any side street.

When they bar the street to traffic, that's it!

No vehicle bigger than a Holden or Ford can be on our city roads between 6 am and midnight.

No words can appear on any private or commercial vehicle.

All plantations of trees are to be immediately cleared, trees in straight lines are offensive.

All gardens, private and public, *must have some flowers or blossom somewhere in them on every day of the year.

All Australian artists are to be paid $50,000 pa for life, to do whatever they choose.

This government will fund sculptures and fountains everywhere.

Marching is banned, walks are OK.

School uniforms are banned.

Basketball courts must have no other lines on them.

Orthodontists and dentists will be free and readily available to all.

Makeup is banned.

Private gyms are to be subsidised.

Anyone wanting to attend a gym must be guaranteed they can.

[This list is just for starters]

Minister for Virtual Polution Bruce